As with the majority of my blog posts, I'm not really sure as to the purpose of what I'm about to write, but I sense the Holy Spirit (or is it myself? Still trying to figure that out) calling me to share and be vulnerable.
Where am I on this journey through Catholicism? As I mentioned in my previous post, I'm so very far from holiness, even with all the knowledge that God has given me, I'm still so very weak and seek escapism through my vices - television, snacking, "fun drinks", Facebook, etc. Why can't I just go ONE day without sinning or clinging to my vices???
Admittedly, I am a creature of comfort - I never deny it, I am very attached to my routines and my pleasures. It's ironic, I am so quick to denounce sex-for-pleasure, yet I'm realizing that I have my own pleasures to which I'm attached.
Attachment/detachment - always been an issue for me. For so long, I struggled with developing emotional attachments with other people, mainly men (and no not necessarily in a romantic way). Praise be to God, I seem to be finally overcoming that tendency, but now, I'm attached to my routines/habits, especially watching and interacting with the FB live stream of Catholic Answers Live from 5-7 every Monday-Friday.
From what am I escaping? Oh just the stress/anxiety of being 26, still living with my parents, single, unemployed, fear of not being taken seriously, having desires that go unfulfilled, HATING all the unknown, constantly feeling insecure. Hence why I loooove Facebook so much! I never have to worry about my appearance (if my hair is straightened, if I'm wearing makeup, what outfit I'm wearing, etc.) and I've found a community of like-minded people who understand me and share my interests in apologetics, chastity, Catholicism, etc.
In real life, I rarely feel as though I "fit in", living in a suburb of Chicago which doesn't have EWTN radio (instead it has Relevant Radio), hardly anyone has ever heard of my beloved Catholic Answers Live since RR doesn't broadcast it and no one seems interested in apologetics. No one understands my love of interacting with Catholic Answers everyday with their FB live stream...
Although then again, I have over 500 friends on FB and yet never get into the triple digits of "likes" of any of my posts. I know I know, I shouldn't care about how many "likes" I get, but it's more the principle -- that I feel so ignored, that all my posts both on this blog and on my personal FB seem to be in vein, go unnoticed.
What am I doing with my life???? Where is God leading me?? Is there something I should be doing that I'm not doing? Why can't I just be normal?
Not sure if any of this made sense, but ultimately, this is where I'm currently at in my Catholic journey. I accept and embrace all the Church's teachings as true, it is ME who is wrong, NOT the Church, yet I still sin, still struggle with escapism and vices, but I long for Jesus and Heaven...
Reasoning through the teachings & beliefs of the Catholic Church while striving to live them out as a young adult.
Hi Margo!
ReplyDeleteThis comment is proof you're not being ignored. ;-)
Perhaps you're being a smidge too hard on yourself. There's a big difference between enjoying things and being attached to them. The things you enjoy are not in themselves sinful so thank God for them. If you are concerned about being attached to things, ask God for the virtue of temperance, which keeps our heart focused on Him.
You're a young lady of deep faith and hope. You are trying to discern God's will for your life. It may be taking longer than you'd like for things to fall into place, but Providence permits all things for our good. So don't worry.
We don't have yesterday anymore, and we don't necessarily have tomorrow--we have only this moment for sure. So all you have to do is just love God in *this* moment, even if it's in a little way. A spiritual director could be a great help to you if you don't already have one.
Praying for you!
God bless,
Bob
I'm not sure how, exactly, I've come upon your blog. But, here I am. Of course, I'm aware that this post was just over a year ago. However, I still find that it could be useful to extend my experience.
ReplyDeleteSo, I'm in a juncture of my life where I need to make a choice. It's totally a choice I've made before—God is either everything, or God is nothing. What was our choice to be? I choose "God is everything." So maybe that goes to say that every time I mess up, that is God. If I've given my life and will over to the care of God, then I can bet to learn some things through that care that may take a little extra learning.
I recently saw a new-ish version of the Serenity Prayer that I need on the daily. It goes something like: "God, grant me the serenity to accept that I'm not perfect, the courage to stop beating myself up for it, and the wisdom to know that I'm exactly where you'd have me be." Why should I keep fighting and struggling to be something that only God can be, i.e. perfect?
This is all to say, I try to live a principled life. Indeed, it's likely that that's God's will for me! To also live happily, joyously and freely! But acceptance of the facts is surely a wise move too. I'm not perfect, I'm going to mess up, God will probably forgive me, move on, next step, next breath, keep going. The longer I stay in self-pity and morbid self-reflection, the less I can be useful to God and my fellows.
Just wanted to share my reflections/experience. Sometimes I find that to be useful.